Vulnerability. What are my vulnerabilities? Is it bad to have them? These are some questions rotating in my mind right now. I keep on believing these imperfections, some type of weakness are what defined us as a person and how we act and react on front of others. For the last years I have spend most of my time over thinking about the negative aspects in my life and myself, blocking out the positive by putting a black sheet over my eyes covering reality and convincing myself that I am shy, insecure, incapable, unsocial and so on. For so long I never realised how powerful the brain is, if you say that you are something and keep repeating it to yourself you will eventually turn into being that. Your brain is so powerful that you become what you believe you are. Until about a few days ago I used to only think about my insecurities and think negative all the time which kept me down in energy and anxious but eventually I was fed up and I realised that I needed to change.The first thing I realised is that everyone has some vulnerability, that is normal, it's human nature, so I should not shy away from the fact that I have some too. This first realization, that we all have weakness and struggle every day helped me renewed strength and attitude towards my own difficulties. Though this I started to become aware about what exactly are the things that I’m vulnerable too. Being aware about my weaknesses was something easy for me since I am constantly conscious about them but I was able to now see them in a different way.At first I believed that knowing our own weaknesses was a source of strength because now you can focus on the things you are good at and work to minimise my vulnerabilities. Now I feel this doesn't fully apply, I should focus on the good but I shouldn't try to minimise my weaknesses instead I should learn to embrace my them and turn them into something good and not keep on seeing them as negatives in my life.Being a quiet introvert person many people see as shy, unmindful people but I have learned to see us as critical listeners and thinkers. I believe that with a positive and willing mindset everything is possible and with this new attitude I will become more confident because will not only feel more comfortable with myself but with other people too.
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Ever since I can remember, I have worried about things whether about my self, school, family and friends. I don’t know why but for some reason I tend to worry too much about stuff. It sounds peculiar but that's who I am. When I was a young child, I worried weather that year I was good enough to receive presents from Santa in Christmas, I worried that something may happen to my parents or sisters and I tended to become over protective and tense in many different occasions when I felt danger.At age 6, I experienced a big change in my life, we moved to Peru. I was faced with a whole new environment, had to make new friends and get used to a new way of life. This is when the worrying began once again. I remember stressing about if I was nice enough to make new friends and if I was intelligent enough to do well in school. Also began struggling with school and was afraid to let parents know that I was not having a good time at school. Even worse I felt that all of my classmates did better than I, so I worried even more. My mother, noticed my worries and started to search for a "solution" although I always though there was none for me. It wasn't very long till a neurologist found out I had some issue with learning and diagnosed me with ADD, which made me feel even more insecure about my self in school since. As the years passed this insecurities made me become very shy on front of people whom I am not confortable with.Once, back at my first day of 7th grade I walked into all my classes with a negative mindset since I knew I had barely any friends in my classes and with all my insecurities, I couldn’t find a better alternative than sit in the back and listen thought the whole class and stay back form any group discussion or interaction with the teacher. For some reason I though that if I said something foolish or ignorant everybody will criticise me so I opted to stay quiet. I know most of my teachers tell me that I have to participate in class and I know that it's important for my learning, but I still have to get the urge to speak up and fight myself to overcome that fear and nervousness. I naturally tend to avoid exposure and prefer to listen to others; I know that is not the best attitude for me so I have decided to try to take some steps towards managing this fear and insecurity. A big change came into my life as I entered high school and this year in particular when I started with the Innovation Academy Program. I was very enthusiastic about this new form of learning and the idea of getting out of my comfort zone, which would be big step into gaining confidence with myself. I could no longer hide at the end of the classroom and shy away from my teachers. In IA I was required to work actively within a group, and make presentations about the progress of my projects. At first, and still is a struggle because there is nothing I fear more than speaking in front of an audience. My first experience was terrible; I remembered I basically did not sleep the night before just thinking about the presentation. But, soon I discovered that with that experience and many others I have had through out the years help me little by little to become stronger and with the exposure gain security about my ideas and myself. Besides, with the years I have been in the school with all of my experiences, struggles and insecurities I have not only learned that it is totally normal to feel nervous or insecure, but also that I got to be able to manage it so that it doesn’t affect me in the future. |